The Affect of a Toxic Family on Disease:

~~~~~~~~ German doctor Ryke Geerd HAMER, of Vienna University, discovered what he termed “the iron rule of cancer”: “Any cancer starts with ... an extremely brutal shock, a dramatic and acute conflict, experienced in loneliness and sensed by the patient as the most serious he has ever known.“ ~~~~~~~~ The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study ~~~~~~~~ Too often to get well we must scream and kick our way out into the sunlight alone and be aware that those we left behind will resent us for doing so. In fact, one of the symptoms that we are changing, and probably improving, is the self righteousness and denial expressed by those who realized they've lost their ability to control us. The name calling and shouting soon commence, when we do not behave as expected. Their mental cleverness at our expense has no limit. And so we must include our relationships in our analysis. Our entire definition of love is involved. The clue to self healing is often unexpected and can challenge our life-long ideas of what is healthy. "If you get in the pool with them, even though it feels good, you cannot help but get wet from the same water." .... John Vroom, on family reunions

FRIENDS more nurturing than family?

Are Negative People Renting Space in Your Heart and Head?

"None are so blind as those who will not see."

The Antidote

I did not realize when I composed this page that literally thousands of readers would visit it. Subconscious issues are so prevalent in degenerative diseases, in this author's opinion, and I'm not alone in this regard. So, for the majority that realize that something emotionally and mentally is wrong beneath and behind their health challenges... AND for the minority that do manage to escape the familiar and brave the unfamiliar inner terrain I add these few words. With bone chilling compassion I acknowledge the difficulty of it all. The abused spouse or child that is afraid to leave the familiar terror for the unfamiliar (this word literally means without family) quiet and perceived aloneness, absent of the pain that comforts, the false sense of being loved when it is control only, I write.

To those who were starved for so long, living on empty calories of attention (noise and distraction), and brave the new place just out of reach, where former "controllers" still do not cease loading you up with accusations, blame and manufactured guilt when they can, I say you are not alone, nor the first or last to need to do this. Envy and resentment from your adversaries, for your courage, has no bounds. Loss of their control is dis-enabling. The argument is codependent.

Regardless of how deeply you are wounded there remains an eternal flame somewhere inside your soul that is inextinguishable, a voice from your own eternity, a passion that deserves expression in this world in spite of the fear of past criticism. Find it. It is your antidote. Find your own sense of deserving, for your own permission is all that is at stake. Allow it. Write, paint, explore, even bake cookies if THAT is your exclusive self. And the challenge, because it is unfamiliar, is to seek your truth in the unlimited new possibilities absent of your former controller, your nutrition from new sources. It will take time, mainly for your own adjustment to feeling loved and supported by those without an unconscious agenda. Your response to this page in my journal is part of mine. Thanks.

There are great tools available for assistance in this journey and they ALL have to do with just you. Any of the great breathing disciplines will help, as the "breath of life" is your sole conduit to your own unconscious, where true healing must be done. Check out Qigong, for example. Healing is the greatest journey!

Early in 2007 I began to work on this painting. As it is with all allegorical paintings it was just a vague idea at first. I didn't know exactly where I was going but I "felt" it was going to have a purpose. Without a title yet I steadily developed the elements and the concept. Then one day I felt something profound as I worked and, without reason, I named it "Emergence." Soon after that I saw my grandfather's ghost walk through my house. (My mother's father) He didn't say anything, just gave me a look of acknowledgement (about his daughter) and disappeared through the bedroom wall. This gave me a sense of the prophetic, that this project was important, but still without specifics. What was going on? I just continued to work. As the year came to a close and I was nearly finished I experienced a real internal shudder one day and I "knew" that a great change was coming. It felt like a purge of some kind. Being a health nut I assumed this meant some extraordinary colonic or detoxification lay ahead, expulsing from me the last parasite or emotionally embedded poison from my being!? As I moved into January of 2008 I did some apple diet cleanses. I even did a one week bowel cleanse. I felt better but I still "knew" something important hadn't occurred yet.

Then, yesterday, February 18,2008 my 43-year-old toxic connection with unconscious family members and their habits ended. In the face of my realization that the only one interested in growth and change is me, I released them all to the life they have chosen, without prejudice. The meaning of the painting was revealed. My staying involved no longer serves any purpose and it isn't healthy for either. Beyond contempt there is nothing being served.

It's a sobering moment when you realize and accept the truth that someone you love isn't interested in what you think, and never will be, because of their own blindness and beliefs. As well, history has succeeded in perfectly duplicating the former unhealthy relationships again and again, with the same results. Mother/wife/daughter, no difference any more dynamically, repetition without enlightenment. Finally, it goes on without me. I would be a fool to continue.

In the HOPI Native American culture there is a phenomenon that exists still today and is probably several thousand years old. On the morning of the day late in August when they perform the Hopi Snake Dance the tribe's male priesthood enters the kiva for self examination, meditation, chants and purification using plants, flowers and wands that are secret. When they have altered their mental, emotional and physical "STATE" after several hours they EMERGE from the kiva and enter the village plaza for the dance. Each is handed a live rattlesnake which they place into the mouth and they proceed to dance, stomping their prayers to Mother Earth. Ostensibly this is a rain dance but during this performance, because of the "state" these dancers have achieved they are immune from snake venom. If they are struck by a rattler during the performance a medicine man comes over immediately, sprinkles some corn pollen on the wound and says some words. The dancer remains unharmed. This defies our scientific and medical paradigm.

This true anecdote serves to parallel the healing process when it comes to toxic relationships. Become aware, if you can, that this behavior is an addiction. The emotional "payoff" just from keeping the fight alive provides a reason to live, an attachment, attention, control, a justification for every aberation. Fear of losing this "high" is part of the resistance to peace, your leaving. Every tactic will be used to keep you in the toxin, the argument. Getting you to respond, in any way, is a victory for this addict. Not having you to fight with is unbearable to an addict, as it represents separation, which they already are experiencing.

One must go inside one's own kiva (subconscious) and perform their own alchemy of transformation until they are immune from the venom they receive. This process is simple (in principle) but NOT EASY. My immunity came late.

Within many toxic relationships there is often exploitation by one party over the weakness of the other. Always seeking the advantage, tearing down the meek. This weakness can be your sensitiviy, sincerity, shame, guilt or a number of fears we pay for over and over. This invites an element of blackmail into the mix. Suffering prevails. Exploitation prevails. Complete and blind dysfunction. A total absense of empathy is a basic symptom, like in war when we objectify/dehumanize the enemy. They see only evil that they define.

Manley Hall is quoted as saying, "The only reformer who is popular is the one who is working on himself."

My "Emergence" has occurred. My time recently in "my kiva" has paid off. In situations like this, Edgar Cayce is quoted to have said, "Develop in your heart a loving indifference and walk away." I am immune now from the venom. It is bitterweet.

My thanks to so many of you who visit my personal journal herein and glean some portion you relate to. Your health is at stake. If you are stuck in a similar situation find that reason that keeps you behaving like a moth to a flame. The day will come when you will realize that it serves only to enable them and you can stop. Godspeed. JHT