I've been about 100 days into treatment at this writing and I'm beginning to notice something, a thread of continuity amongst all of those pioneers who have healed their lives of cancer with nutrition, exercise, reflection and major personal change. Each person, whom I now consider a role model, displays a conviction about their particular remedy that is filled with power. Most of these people have gone on to write books, make videos, audio tapes or write newsletters. Each is equally convinced that their particular regime is everyone else's answer.

Discovery... then doctrine
I've now read many books and watched many videos. I've collected an enormous amount of information and records about individual heroes who have each set out on this precarious path of personal discovery and metamorphosis. Forced to be defiant of traditional medicine, mostly because of the lack of cooperation and support from traditional medicine, they experiment with supplements, diet, exercise, reflection, stress reduction, herbs, teas, and more. Some do not succeed right away and their suffering becomes deeper for a while, like Dr. Lorraine Day (a traditional doctor who became a cancer patient). But in time they come upon a combination of juicing, fasting, prayer, exercise, etc. that turns it all around. Progress finally occurs and the new regime becomes their new belief system. A whole new life is awakened, the change being remarkable in most cases. Their lives are clearly recorded as two distinct chapters of reality and reaction to external perceptions based upon how they were "before diagnosis" and "after diagnosis."

Here's my observation: The power of healing doesn't seem to be within the specific recipe each used. One will swear that the answer is fasting and fresh lemonade. Another will swear on detoxification, another thinks that barley green food is the only way. One advises that up to 13 fresh juices per day are required. Another swears by only raw food. You get the idea, each person was healed and changed with different specifics. Each person invented their own solution and BELIEVED IN IT. The process was the same.

So I ask: "Is my carrot juice more powerful because I believe in it?"

Do my "feelings," while I am disciplining myself, infuse my new food with energy that is better for me than if I were eating the same food while angry or stressed or in conflict with my life. Is the real power some kind of reconciliation with living that is nurtered by this diet change? Each winner of this battle, even the recent world class bicycle racer (Lance) who beat his cancer, displays enormous conviction and a new economy of emotions, to the point of new doctrine. Words, mixed with feelings = definition of FAITH. "I believe," the magic words.

The Mind / Body Connection.

 Looking Back...

I do a lot of reflecting now about my lifetime health pattern and my relationships with my doctors over the years. One incident stands out now as an indicator of where I am today, I just didn't listen to my inner voice. Instead I accepted the doctor's "educated words." About 18 years ago I suffered a severe gall bladder attack after eating a large meal of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which, I know now is VERY greasy). Follow up exams and X-rays confirmed that I had a gall stone about the size of an olive pit. I immediately had gall bladder surgery with the most skilled surgeon in our town. My scar is only 2" long and nearly invisible. Technically I believe I was in very good hands. I think differently today however about the wisdom behind the skill.

On my last day in the hospital the surgeon paid me a visit (actually I paid him for the visit). He reviewed my chart and my stitches with personal pride, as he should have everything was textbook. He did everything he was taught and it was perfect! Then he proceeded to give me his final thoughts on my future.

To my surprise he offered absolutely no information about how I got a stone. This total omission was my first surprise. He proceeded to tell me that I could go out and live a "normal" life, no diet restrictions were necessary. He had "removed the problem." I was amazed at the time thinking, "This can't be that easy? Something was surely wrong for me to attract gall bladder disease in the first place." My good doctor offered no data to the contrary and he wished me well. As he left the room, he casually made this comment:
"I'll probably see you again in about five years for kidney stones."

I'm now aware of what he meant and what I didn't pay enough heed to. My health in the USA is predictable and he was already planning his successful career based upon this knowledge. This he knew. Why I had disease he knew nothing. It isn't his field of expertise. Removing organs is his field of expertise. Sadly, my present advice from my doctors remains in this same context, and it is why I've chosen this independent path.

The Prices We Pay...

January 19, 2001... Incredibly, I'm pleased to report that my health is improving more each month, as far as I know. This is a dual reality, I admit. On one hand, how I feel, improves every day. I'm feeling better, maintaining my weight, increasing my energy, acquiring a much better outlook on life with lots of joy and optimism. On the other hand, my decision to close my business and focus on healing created a situation - lack of funds - which prohibits (for now) the ability to get regular blood tests, which are my scientific "touchstone" for how I'm doing in scientifically. So, medically, I'm in a vacuum. On ALL other fronts I'm getting better every day. I need an income to pay for these tests.

As I've reported herein previously my business activities were dormant over the past six months so that I could focus on getting well... ONLY. As I return now, step by step into each activity required by business (accountants, banks, the IRS, etc.) I discover the process that I was once totally enmeshed within without conscious awareness of its impact on my nature.

Last week I processed a credit card sale in the usual way. On my credit card machine the order went through and all appeared to be normal. Remember, I had not used this machine for several months. I had no way of knowing that invisible to me a bank had been making judgments about me and taking actions without my knowledge. After a week I observed that my bank account never reflected the deposit for this sale. This is unusual since it normally only takes about two days to process a sale. An investigation revealed the fact that since my business activity had dropped to zero for several months, my account had been deleted. Not put on hold or canceled, but completely deleted! I didn't exist in their computers anymore.

I didn't get angry, which is untraditional for me. I made an attempt to reinstate my account, thinking in my mind that having this service is a requirement of returning to business. I "need it" to function in this system. After several phone calls I made contact with the sales manager of my area with my credit card paymentservice. This gentleman was courteous and he was making every effort to get me back on board. We filled out an application over the phone. Question by question I realized that old feelings were being stimulated within me. In spite of this, as it was just beneath my awareness, I continued. The finished application was FAXed to me for signature.

In the short time between this interview and my reading of the FAXed document I realized that there was something amiss within me, and my disease has taught me to pay attention to this. The last six months have made me more sensitive to my inner voice and my feelings about such things. And I was becoming aware as I read the contract that a loud complaint was brewing inside me.

The first thing that I became aware of was that I was again consenting, with some company far away, to the power to allow them to access my bank account at any time for better or worse. Remember, that one of the biggest discoveries from this health issue was my education that "my feelings" about something are more powerful than the external event itself. Reflecting upon this for a few minutes I realized that I have very strong feelings about my funds being handled (messed with) by an outside entity without my knowledge. Even though electronic transactions are done every day in this land, all perfectly legal, they remain intrusive and a form of power over me in my world view. I feel victimized. This decision is suddenly serious. It's not about money now.

Realizing all of this, I decided to review my old merchant statements before I continued. I felt the need to add as many facts as possible to my state of mind before making a final decision. This is emotional stuff.

Looking back over my old statements, in my new state of mind, I discovered dozens of small details within the numbers that, added up, amounted to a gigantic burden of personal compromise and disagreement with the "powers that be." Internal conflict in order to "remain in business," and play the part of a successful American businessman. These "details" were the myriad of small surcharges appearing on my statement, representing little amounts of money being taken from my account on a regular basis, out of my awareness. The banking system can create and justify more insidious charges for services they perceive as justified for the privilege of making money off everyone else's hard labor. A little arithmetic and I discovered that processing credit cards in my business was actually costing my about five percent of my sales, including sales tax and freight - the gross invoice amount. There was even a charge on each statement for the statement itself, a statement fee. I've never been able to add a charge on my invoices just for the cost of providing an invoice! A bank can do this.

This made me feel like I was being leached from by a benevolent monster. In the name of "convenience" I was silently donating lots of my money in the form of many miniscule charges, manufactured without my consent, and taken in the night without my awareness. My FEELINGS about this were enraged! This is part of what made me ill. And now for the first time I realize that I am aware of it AND I am aware of just how important it is for me to know. Years and years of tolerating all of these professional pickpockets and MY FEELINGS ABOUT THEM, were part of my declining health. In order to get well these personal issues must be discovered.

The serious version of this is that this is a demonstration of how one's personal deepest feelings CAN cause harm to emotional and physical health, then a destroyed immune system. And this is part of my truth. This same thing may not harm another, particularly someone in the banking business benefiting from this procedure. But for me it is sheer poison. We each have our own versions of this set of internal "triggers."

It took about three hours for me to work my way through this material. In my deepest internal self, now healing and becoming re-centered and focused and well, I knew that from this day forth I needed to keep my business transactions between myself and my customer, without some institution with their hand in my pocket. I did not sign the contract and I revised my web pages immediately to reflect better prices and NO CREDIT CARDS. (This was before PayPal)

My feelings dictate this necessity. My immediate sense of personal control and freedom as a result of this decision confirm that this decision is right for me and my health. It may not be correct for you. But that is the point. We each must do this kind of personal work and find out. If we desire to be well. We are personal chemistry sets and if we are to come to understand what is poison for one and nutrition for another, we must know this difference. I am so grateful for this revelation into my past.

The High Cost of the Low Bid

05/01/01... Recently I found myself in a conversation with a local businessman who was bragging about the fact that he had three different companies seeking to handle his credit card transactions. He was taking some pleasure in the fact that he was playing each one against the other for better terms and lower interest rates.

By all contemporary standards, this is normal and expected behavior for an American businessman, go for the lowest bidder. After all, saving money is a desirable trait and considered a mark of good bookkeeping.

But to some degree this simple demonstration is a symptom of part of our social deterioration of values.

It disregards our inner life. Winning at your own expense, to my way of thinking.

We may feel we're being good citizens and good business people when we behave this way, and there are many in business who have elevated this behavior to a fine art, getting every penny's worth out of their suppliers and vendors. After all we are rewarded by society when we do this. Banks loan us their money and our accountants compliment us on acquiring a good financial bottom line. So where is the harm, with so much admiration and reinforcement.

Because of all that I've been through this past year (tomorrow morning is the anniversary of my two heart attacks last year), I now "see" the error of this behavior and why it offends me and why my health was injured by it. Let me clarify, why my health was injured by my feelings about it. The event is external, my feelings and sense of error are internal, my issues, my problem. My point. This is a good place to clarify again that these are the words of just one individual whose internal life, and reactions to daily life, became depressed and hopeless after years of "feeling" this. Hence my immune system crashed and I began to suffer several health problems eventually leading to a diagnosis of cancer.

My point about this is this: I have to take this seriously. Others may not. You may not. Most people that I meet disregard these inner feelings and keep on their social mask of living appropriately, doing the right thing, even attending their church of choice each Sunday, while competing dog eat dog all week. But I'm aware now at a level that I can observe and identify that our bodies- physical, emotional, spiritual and mental- all listen very carefully to what we say and what we do, and they react accordingly. And these internal components we have react accordingly to just how honest we are, true to our selves, as well as how conflicted we are, all in a holistic and effective way. It just takes time. Illness and/or death (or the fear of it) usually are the only triggers we honor as a good reason to change anything.

To return to the low bid scenario: At one level I suppose that it is internally harmless to shop for the best price and service. But when our competitive society and its technological dependence becomes so saturated with similar services there really isn't much difference in what we buy, regardless of which source. The silent internal decision to then take it to the next level with the intention of forcing, through intimidation, market pressures and our own self esteem as a clever person, the supplier to lower his prepared price quotation, as an act of "winning" on our part is at once a financial victory and a scar on our soul. The latter being ignored.

Not understood nor accepted in this modern society at most levels is the reality of the attachments we make with others when we act overtly or by omission of conscience. We get away with nothing in the long run. Externally it seems like we do, and for years we enjoy the winning life, the balance sheet, the relationship with the bank, the new car, our social status and more. But meanwhile our minds, our hearts, and our solar plexus are churning with the truth. The universe is honest after all. We do reap what we sow, we just didn't expect it this way.

When we cheat someone, lower their value, or exploit them (the fine art of capitalism) we carry within ourselves that energy and that memory, that scar. This is totally disregarded in the business environment. And we look everywhere else for the reason that disease is increasing at alarming rates in spite of our modern technology. Something IS wrong.

Blood pressure is one of the first health indicators of a person's internal conflict, as well as a bad diet. But the diet alone isn't the key for thousands of people eat this way and seem to be healthy. It's why doctors can't condemn the fast food industry with a blanket accusation. The variables of individuality prevail as the cause of illness.

What has any of this got to do with prostate cancer?
In my case, everything. I've been in business for over 35 years, living a double existence. Things are not fair. I'm not whining, but I am facing the fact that my sensibilities did not survive the trip. The harmful behavior (my perception, it is important to recognize) I observed in good people, because of this dichotomy of acceptable external behavior eventually exhausted me. I eventually gave up and ceased to try. And as it is with groups of wildlife and herd behavior the weaker is abandoned, killed or left to die. As I lived through this spiral I became ill and alone, or alone and ill. It's the same. Realizing that my personality cannot function healthily in this multi-layered structure, with all my personal issues about injustice and the frivolous use of power, is the biggest truth in my life I had to face. Cancer became by best friend, for it provided me with the stimulation and the motivation to become strong again and to behave as myself in spite of my lack of social unconformity. I also had to face the truth about my internal secret agreements about preferring to be a victim when it came to money. When you do this level of inventory you discover that nothing is what it appears, and there is no one to blame.

I find my story alive and well to some degree with most people I meet now. I'm a financial misfit but I've never been more integrated and happy with daily life. This is certainly uncharted territory and a wonderful discovery. I hope someone is benefitting from all of this personal disclosure.